Our Birth Story
This is a post I know I need to write. It will be difficult because I am still dealing with emotional issues tied to Lincoln's birth. However, this is our story.
Sunday, September 11th, we went to church at Church of the Nations Assemblies of God in Oconee County. We have been enjoying the messages and the worship and have even met a few people. Another girl and I share the same due date so each week we check in to see if the other has had their baby. Joe and I cleaned the house and went grocery shopping together. I wanted to keep walking around so I went with him, even though I normally do not. Plus, I knew he didn't have a lot to buy so I didn't mind accompanying him. We watched Big Brother 12 that night before bed. We did our Five Love Language Couple's Devotional. Before turning out the lamp, I said, "I'll let you know if my membranes release." I think it is interesting to reflect back on the day before labor began because we didn't know then that our lives would be forever changed afterward.
Monday, September 12, was my first day of maternity leave. As I was walking around school the prior week, I felt a lot of pressure and had a difficult time getting around school and keeping up with the students. I decided to officially start my maternity leave on the 12th, hoping that I wouldn't be sitting at home long waiting on Lincoln's arrival instead of spending it with him. So at 5:50am I woke up to go to the restroom as I do several times in the middle of the night. A few minutes before my alarm would normally be going off, I sit up in bed and a little liquid came out. I thought, "I do not feel like I have to go that badly." As I stood up, fluids continued to flow out on the floor as I walked to the toilet. I said, "Joe." He said, "Yeah, Babe." I said, "My membranes released." He responded, "Are you kidding?" much like he did when I told him I saw a plus sign on the pregnancy test. =) I told him to call Rebecca, our Douala so she would have a heads-up and then he called the Stephen's County Hospital to speak to the midwife on call. Denise was there and would be until 8:00am. She told me to go back to bed. I called my parents still from the toilet and spoke with my dad and told him I was going to have a baby today.
I stuck a towel between my legs and crawled back in bed. Joe took the dogs to Pawtropolis for doggie daycare where they would play for the next few days. I tried to sleep and ended up listening to a relaxation script on my mp3 player. I think I dozed off for a little while.The surges started at about 15-20 minutes apart as I was lying in bed. Then they would be 8 minutes apart so I knew they weren't consistent enough for it to be considered "true labor." For the next twelve hours we stayed at home. We checked in with Bethany, the midwife on call, and Rebecca, every few hours. I ate breakfast and lunch just like normal. I walked around the house, leaned over my birth ball, went outside on the porch, and laid in bed during that time. I decided I was ready to go to the hospital when the surges were about 6-7 minutes consistently apart. Joe loaded up the bags as we packed last minute things, like make-up and phone chargers. I adjusted the thermostat, made sure things were unplugged and turned off just like we do before a trip. We waited for one last surge to pass before I crawled in the back of the van. The first surge I had lying down in the van was intense and long! I later realized that those were the surges that we causing me to open. Some were definitely more intense. I got on my knees and hung on the armrests between the two bucket seats. I listened to Birthing Affirmations from HypnoBirthing. I only had a couple surges during the rest of the ride to Toccoa. Time passed by quickly and we were there before we knew it. Joe called Courtney, Rebecca, Bethany, and my parents on the way. I had three surges in the parking lot alone and I couldn't wait to get to my room. Bethany told the receptionist at the emergency room that I could skip triage because I was going to be admitted. We were registered and then a nurse in a wheelchair took me to Room 109 while Joe got our bags. I did more paperwork with nurses and changed into a gown. Bethany did a cervix check and asked me if I wanted to know how far along I was. I didn't want to know because I was afraid I would be discouraged and feel defeated. Later I found out I was 5-6cm when I arrived. Throughout the course of the night and early AM hours, I did nipple stimulation (natural oxytocin) in the shower for an hour, knelt at a bench in the shower, sat in the birthing tub, sat on a birthing ball, stood beside the bed, and got back in the shower again. I looked at the clock at 11:00pm and decided not to look at it again. Some surges were intense like I was going to explode and sometimes they disappeared and were very mild. At some point, Bethany checked me and said that I had quit progressing my cervix was swollen. Bethany gave us two choices of an internal fetal monitor to measure the strength of the surges or start a Pitocin drip. Rebecca mentioned letting my body rest for an hour to see if that would help with the swelling. So we all rested. I laid in bed and Joe and Rebecca slept in chairs for about 45 minutes. After I woke up, I vomitted on the floor beside the hospital bed. I remember thinking, "Maybe I am further along than I thought." I had read that vomitting is a sign that "transition" is near. Bethany came back in and checked my cervix again and said the swelling had decreased, but I was still the same as far as opening was concerned. At this point, I was at 8cm, although I didn't know. I had three options, an internal fetal monitor, a Pitocin drip, or a Cesarean section.
This is where the story becomes painfully hard to tell; the moment from the birth that I look back on with the most grief. Bethany gave us time to talk about it. Rebecca said to mention trying different positioning such as squatting, etc. When I suggested it, Bethany said that since 24-hours had passed since my membranes released, under hospital policy, something had to be done and that we have already pushed it long enough. I asked if a water birth would still be possible if I had the Pitocin and was told that Lincoln would be in danger under water if his shoulders got stuck. My dreams of a water birth ended here. I didn't like any of the options given to me. My HypnoBirthing instructor told me that how I visualized the birth is how it would happen. I hadn't visualized it any other way. I purposely left out interventions or a Plan B on my birth plan because I didn't even want to subject myself to negative thinking. I even stood up to people that tried to convince me that things don't turn out the way we plan. Pitocin makes surges more intense brings on the "transition" part of labor. I didn't know that I was 8cm and pretty close to birth breathing. If I had known, I wonder if I would have made a different choice. I was so tired, I didn't think I could handle the surges getting more intense and closer together. At this point in the morning, I was very exhausted. I was sick of having surges and I wanted it to be over. Joe and I held hands and prayed. Through tears, I told him I wanted to have a Cesarean and that I was ready to meet Lincoln. He knows how opposed I am to Cesareans, but he didn't seem at all surprised when I mentioned it. He just said, " I will be right beside you no matter what and we are going to meet our son very soon." I told Rebecca our decision and I didn't give her a chance to try to change my mind. I wanted to know about the protocols for Cesareans in this hospital. I wanted to make sure we could still have our skin-to-skin time. I asked if Joe could start it in the room while I was still in surgery. When Bethany came in, I told her the decision and she told me what was involved in a Cesarean. As soon as I gave the 'okay', the environment in the room changed. It went from a quiet dimly candle-lit room to bright florescent lights and a mad rush of people in the room. I am so-and-so and I'm here to change your gown, I'm so-and-so and I'm here to shave you, I'm so-and so and I'm here to do lab work. The anesthesiologist, like a loud drill sergeant, came in with a mug of coffee introducing himself. A sweet nurse, Allison, was Lincoln's first nurse. She confirmed from our birth plan that we wanted to decline Hep B and the eye ointment. I was given a couple bags of fluid through an IV and my earring had to be removed before surgery so Rebecca pried it open. In the midst of all this, I am having surges. I was ready to get to the operating room so they would stop. Joe didn't go with me right away because he had to change into a gown and get a mask. Bethany came with me to the operating room. She told me it would be cold in there and a lot of women feel vulnerable because they are laid out naked and exposed. I was given a spinal injection and the numbness started in my feet and worked its way up. Then they inserted a catheter. They strap your arms down which is good because I was shivering uncontrollably on the table. Joe came in and stood at my head. A blue screen was put up so I couldn't see the surgery. Joe could look around or above it if he wanted. I was told they would be cutting through 4 layers and I would feel pressure and pulling, but no discomfort. Joe was reminding me that we were going to be meeting our son soon and before we knew it, we heard him let out a cry. Joe walked over to him and watched as they wiped him off and put a blanket and cap on him. Joe told me he was beautiful and then he brought him over to me so I could see him. I saw his profile and his little nose that looks mine. He was born at 7:45am, was 6 pounds and 13 ounces, and was 20 inches long.
I kissed him and then Joe and the pediatrician left to do a quick newborn screener. Before Joe left, the surgeon said that I have fibroids on my uterus and he wanted Joe to see them. He said they were not cancerous and we would talk about them later. I stayed in the operating room to get sewn up. It went by quickly and I was fully aware of what was going on around me. The surgeon was having a conversation unrelated to my surgery. They transferred me back to my hospital bed and took me to my new room (103). I heard Lincoln crying before I got there. Joe was sitting in the chair with his shirt off having skin-to-skin time. Rebecca was there taking pictures of them. Allison, Lincoln's nurse, was there too. I was considered in "recovery" so they told Rebecca she had to leave and I told her I wanted her to wait with my parents. I was still shivering so I didn't want to hold Lincoln quite yet. They covered me with more blankets some that were warm. Lincoln was sucking his fist while Joe was holding him .I told Allison I was ready told Lincoln and start breastfeeding. She smiled and gladly helped. Lincoln latched on immediately and that was encouraging. Around 9:30am, we told our parents and my grandparents they could come in the room. Hospital visitation was from 9:00-11:00. Joe held him and everyone just looked at him during the first visitation. Visitors returned from 2:00-5:00 and our family brought flowers, cards, and balloons.
Over the next couple days in the hospital, I was very emotional. Everything started setting in that I had had a Cesarean. I felt like I disappointed the midwives, my Douala, my HypnoBirthing instructor, Lincoln, and myself. I went from wanting and laboring for so long to have a natural childbirth and ended up in surgery, which is far from a natural childbirth as you can get. Now I am just another statistic that adds to the high Cesarean rate at that hospital. My Cesarean was also "unscheduled", which means it was not an emergency because Lincoln and I were not in danger. The reason I declined the Pitocin drip was because it was an artificial oxytocin and I was tired from laboring for 24 hours. I didn't think I could handle anything else, especially something that was going to make things more intense. I was scared and doubted my ability to handle anything more. When Joe and I prayed, I felt peace with the decision. I don't know if someone would have reminded me that I wanted to avoid interventions and started quoting birthing affirmations if I would have changed my mind. Denise was not the midwife on call that night, but she showed up in the hospital to assist with my birth because she wanted to be there and she knew I wanted her there. She stopped by my room on Thursday to talk to me about the birth and wanted to know if I had any questions. We talked for a long time and tears were shed as we reflected on that long day. Denise said that there is no way of knowing of the Pitocin would have made labor progress and I am not the first person to choose a Cesarean over the Pitocin. She said that Bethany and her did not have all the answers and do not know what caused labor to slow down and be inconsistent. She said that they found it odd that when I changed positions, labor stalled and in most cases when you change positions, surges become stronger. Since I did not have the birth experience like I planned, she said I am going through a loss, much like the grief when someone dies. She told me to remember that peace we felt when we prayed in the moments when I feel sad. I'm finding that a lot of people that I wouldn't have expected had Cesareans. I've been trying to talk about the birth trauma I experienced. Pat and Lucia, the owners of Full Bloom, both said something that encouraged me. Pat said, "You not only labored unmedicated for so long, but then you had your stomach cut open on top of all that. You deserve some kind of award." Lucia said, "You know there isn't a right or wrong choice." Lucia was also my HypnoBirthing instructor. She asked if I thought HypnoBirthing failed me. I felt relaxed during most of the laboring, but I wouldn't say I was comfortable. Also, the slow breathing I was supposed to be doing during surges did not make the surges comfortable. When I did try the slow breathing, it made the surges more intense. If I continued it, I may have opened to 10cm... When people find out that I had a Cesarean they respond with, "At least you and baby are healthy." I am so thankful that Lincoln and I were not in risk of danger and that we neither suffered complications. It doesn't negate the fact that Lincoln didn't enter the world quite like I wanted and now I may never be able to.
There were a few things that I visualized that happened as I hoped:
We've been home for a little over a week. Our little Lincoln gained a pound within 3 days of being home. My breast milk came in on the day we left the hospital so he has been fed well. He feeds about every 2-3 hours sometimes more frequently. He is beautiful and happy! My marriage has definitely been strengthened since September 13. I have seen Joe in different way and I love him more than I ever have. He is an amazing husband and father! Love has a new meaning to me now. My love for God has grown too during this time as we have Him to be thankful for blessing us with our son. We definitely call out to Him during the late nights and for parenting guidance already.
It may not be the story I wanted to tell, but this is our story.
Sunday, September 11th, we went to church at Church of the Nations Assemblies of God in Oconee County. We have been enjoying the messages and the worship and have even met a few people. Another girl and I share the same due date so each week we check in to see if the other has had their baby. Joe and I cleaned the house and went grocery shopping together. I wanted to keep walking around so I went with him, even though I normally do not. Plus, I knew he didn't have a lot to buy so I didn't mind accompanying him. We watched Big Brother 12 that night before bed. We did our Five Love Language Couple's Devotional. Before turning out the lamp, I said, "I'll let you know if my membranes release." I think it is interesting to reflect back on the day before labor began because we didn't know then that our lives would be forever changed afterward.
Monday, September 12, was my first day of maternity leave. As I was walking around school the prior week, I felt a lot of pressure and had a difficult time getting around school and keeping up with the students. I decided to officially start my maternity leave on the 12th, hoping that I wouldn't be sitting at home long waiting on Lincoln's arrival instead of spending it with him. So at 5:50am I woke up to go to the restroom as I do several times in the middle of the night. A few minutes before my alarm would normally be going off, I sit up in bed and a little liquid came out. I thought, "I do not feel like I have to go that badly." As I stood up, fluids continued to flow out on the floor as I walked to the toilet. I said, "Joe." He said, "Yeah, Babe." I said, "My membranes released." He responded, "Are you kidding?" much like he did when I told him I saw a plus sign on the pregnancy test. =) I told him to call Rebecca, our Douala so she would have a heads-up and then he called the Stephen's County Hospital to speak to the midwife on call. Denise was there and would be until 8:00am. She told me to go back to bed. I called my parents still from the toilet and spoke with my dad and told him I was going to have a baby today.
I stuck a towel between my legs and crawled back in bed. Joe took the dogs to Pawtropolis for doggie daycare where they would play for the next few days. I tried to sleep and ended up listening to a relaxation script on my mp3 player. I think I dozed off for a little while.The surges started at about 15-20 minutes apart as I was lying in bed. Then they would be 8 minutes apart so I knew they weren't consistent enough for it to be considered "true labor." For the next twelve hours we stayed at home. We checked in with Bethany, the midwife on call, and Rebecca, every few hours. I ate breakfast and lunch just like normal. I walked around the house, leaned over my birth ball, went outside on the porch, and laid in bed during that time. I decided I was ready to go to the hospital when the surges were about 6-7 minutes consistently apart. Joe loaded up the bags as we packed last minute things, like make-up and phone chargers. I adjusted the thermostat, made sure things were unplugged and turned off just like we do before a trip. We waited for one last surge to pass before I crawled in the back of the van. The first surge I had lying down in the van was intense and long! I later realized that those were the surges that we causing me to open. Some were definitely more intense. I got on my knees and hung on the armrests between the two bucket seats. I listened to Birthing Affirmations from HypnoBirthing. I only had a couple surges during the rest of the ride to Toccoa. Time passed by quickly and we were there before we knew it. Joe called Courtney, Rebecca, Bethany, and my parents on the way. I had three surges in the parking lot alone and I couldn't wait to get to my room. Bethany told the receptionist at the emergency room that I could skip triage because I was going to be admitted. We were registered and then a nurse in a wheelchair took me to Room 109 while Joe got our bags. I did more paperwork with nurses and changed into a gown. Bethany did a cervix check and asked me if I wanted to know how far along I was. I didn't want to know because I was afraid I would be discouraged and feel defeated. Later I found out I was 5-6cm when I arrived. Throughout the course of the night and early AM hours, I did nipple stimulation (natural oxytocin) in the shower for an hour, knelt at a bench in the shower, sat in the birthing tub, sat on a birthing ball, stood beside the bed, and got back in the shower again. I looked at the clock at 11:00pm and decided not to look at it again. Some surges were intense like I was going to explode and sometimes they disappeared and were very mild. At some point, Bethany checked me and said that I had quit progressing my cervix was swollen. Bethany gave us two choices of an internal fetal monitor to measure the strength of the surges or start a Pitocin drip. Rebecca mentioned letting my body rest for an hour to see if that would help with the swelling. So we all rested. I laid in bed and Joe and Rebecca slept in chairs for about 45 minutes. After I woke up, I vomitted on the floor beside the hospital bed. I remember thinking, "Maybe I am further along than I thought." I had read that vomitting is a sign that "transition" is near. Bethany came back in and checked my cervix again and said the swelling had decreased, but I was still the same as far as opening was concerned. At this point, I was at 8cm, although I didn't know. I had three options, an internal fetal monitor, a Pitocin drip, or a Cesarean section.
This is where the story becomes painfully hard to tell; the moment from the birth that I look back on with the most grief. Bethany gave us time to talk about it. Rebecca said to mention trying different positioning such as squatting, etc. When I suggested it, Bethany said that since 24-hours had passed since my membranes released, under hospital policy, something had to be done and that we have already pushed it long enough. I asked if a water birth would still be possible if I had the Pitocin and was told that Lincoln would be in danger under water if his shoulders got stuck. My dreams of a water birth ended here. I didn't like any of the options given to me. My HypnoBirthing instructor told me that how I visualized the birth is how it would happen. I hadn't visualized it any other way. I purposely left out interventions or a Plan B on my birth plan because I didn't even want to subject myself to negative thinking. I even stood up to people that tried to convince me that things don't turn out the way we plan. Pitocin makes surges more intense brings on the "transition" part of labor. I didn't know that I was 8cm and pretty close to birth breathing. If I had known, I wonder if I would have made a different choice. I was so tired, I didn't think I could handle the surges getting more intense and closer together. At this point in the morning, I was very exhausted. I was sick of having surges and I wanted it to be over. Joe and I held hands and prayed. Through tears, I told him I wanted to have a Cesarean and that I was ready to meet Lincoln. He knows how opposed I am to Cesareans, but he didn't seem at all surprised when I mentioned it. He just said, " I will be right beside you no matter what and we are going to meet our son very soon." I told Rebecca our decision and I didn't give her a chance to try to change my mind. I wanted to know about the protocols for Cesareans in this hospital. I wanted to make sure we could still have our skin-to-skin time. I asked if Joe could start it in the room while I was still in surgery. When Bethany came in, I told her the decision and she told me what was involved in a Cesarean. As soon as I gave the 'okay', the environment in the room changed. It went from a quiet dimly candle-lit room to bright florescent lights and a mad rush of people in the room. I am so-and-so and I'm here to change your gown, I'm so-and-so and I'm here to shave you, I'm so-and so and I'm here to do lab work. The anesthesiologist, like a loud drill sergeant, came in with a mug of coffee introducing himself. A sweet nurse, Allison, was Lincoln's first nurse. She confirmed from our birth plan that we wanted to decline Hep B and the eye ointment. I was given a couple bags of fluid through an IV and my earring had to be removed before surgery so Rebecca pried it open. In the midst of all this, I am having surges. I was ready to get to the operating room so they would stop. Joe didn't go with me right away because he had to change into a gown and get a mask. Bethany came with me to the operating room. She told me it would be cold in there and a lot of women feel vulnerable because they are laid out naked and exposed. I was given a spinal injection and the numbness started in my feet and worked its way up. Then they inserted a catheter. They strap your arms down which is good because I was shivering uncontrollably on the table. Joe came in and stood at my head. A blue screen was put up so I couldn't see the surgery. Joe could look around or above it if he wanted. I was told they would be cutting through 4 layers and I would feel pressure and pulling, but no discomfort. Joe was reminding me that we were going to be meeting our son soon and before we knew it, we heard him let out a cry. Joe walked over to him and watched as they wiped him off and put a blanket and cap on him. Joe told me he was beautiful and then he brought him over to me so I could see him. I saw his profile and his little nose that looks mine. He was born at 7:45am, was 6 pounds and 13 ounces, and was 20 inches long.
Over the next couple days in the hospital, I was very emotional. Everything started setting in that I had had a Cesarean. I felt like I disappointed the midwives, my Douala, my HypnoBirthing instructor, Lincoln, and myself. I went from wanting and laboring for so long to have a natural childbirth and ended up in surgery, which is far from a natural childbirth as you can get. Now I am just another statistic that adds to the high Cesarean rate at that hospital. My Cesarean was also "unscheduled", which means it was not an emergency because Lincoln and I were not in danger. The reason I declined the Pitocin drip was because it was an artificial oxytocin and I was tired from laboring for 24 hours. I didn't think I could handle anything else, especially something that was going to make things more intense. I was scared and doubted my ability to handle anything more. When Joe and I prayed, I felt peace with the decision. I don't know if someone would have reminded me that I wanted to avoid interventions and started quoting birthing affirmations if I would have changed my mind. Denise was not the midwife on call that night, but she showed up in the hospital to assist with my birth because she wanted to be there and she knew I wanted her there. She stopped by my room on Thursday to talk to me about the birth and wanted to know if I had any questions. We talked for a long time and tears were shed as we reflected on that long day. Denise said that there is no way of knowing of the Pitocin would have made labor progress and I am not the first person to choose a Cesarean over the Pitocin. She said that Bethany and her did not have all the answers and do not know what caused labor to slow down and be inconsistent. She said that they found it odd that when I changed positions, labor stalled and in most cases when you change positions, surges become stronger. Since I did not have the birth experience like I planned, she said I am going through a loss, much like the grief when someone dies. She told me to remember that peace we felt when we prayed in the moments when I feel sad. I'm finding that a lot of people that I wouldn't have expected had Cesareans. I've been trying to talk about the birth trauma I experienced. Pat and Lucia, the owners of Full Bloom, both said something that encouraged me. Pat said, "You not only labored unmedicated for so long, but then you had your stomach cut open on top of all that. You deserve some kind of award." Lucia said, "You know there isn't a right or wrong choice." Lucia was also my HypnoBirthing instructor. She asked if I thought HypnoBirthing failed me. I felt relaxed during most of the laboring, but I wouldn't say I was comfortable. Also, the slow breathing I was supposed to be doing during surges did not make the surges comfortable. When I did try the slow breathing, it made the surges more intense. If I continued it, I may have opened to 10cm... When people find out that I had a Cesarean they respond with, "At least you and baby are healthy." I am so thankful that Lincoln and I were not in risk of danger and that we neither suffered complications. It doesn't negate the fact that Lincoln didn't enter the world quite like I wanted and now I may never be able to.
There were a few things that I visualized that happened as I hoped:
- I wanted Joe to be home with me
- I wanted my membranes to release first so I would know labor was starting
- I wanted labor to start after a full night of sleep
- I wanted Denise on call at the hospital
We've been home for a little over a week. Our little Lincoln gained a pound within 3 days of being home. My breast milk came in on the day we left the hospital so he has been fed well. He feeds about every 2-3 hours sometimes more frequently. He is beautiful and happy! My marriage has definitely been strengthened since September 13. I have seen Joe in different way and I love him more than I ever have. He is an amazing husband and father! Love has a new meaning to me now. My love for God has grown too during this time as we have Him to be thankful for blessing us with our son. We definitely call out to Him during the late nights and for parenting guidance already.
It may not be the story I wanted to tell, but this is our story.
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